Generic Mental Health PSA – Free Advice, for Free!

Posted by Dad…

We’ll let you in on a little Secret to happiness in life. No, not positive thinking or another new-ageism, though those can help!

It is good old fashioned pep talks – no seriously.

In your family they might be called coaching sessions, lectures, sermons, lessons, advice and they may be as welcome or disdained as ours can be – pending proximity of the next closest opportunity to eat or nap. So here is a sample of how they work using template P-4u2 from the Oddly Handicapable Buchwald handbook of life.

In helping out a friend with a problem of the lady kind, we used the template below to great success (at least in our minds, no matter what the lecturee has to say).

This version of the P-4u2 pep talk is offered out free for use, provided you comment back on your results.

We hope that it will function as a swiss army knife in your repertoire any time you need to give a little self esteem, advice or just get a laugh to restore in others that endless positive energy and goodwill attitude that feeds the world – even if it did not exist as part of their personality before. Step aside Knute Rockne, Oprah and Phil, cause if this works, we’re challenging the Family Guy, Osbornes and the Simpsons for most cohesive family unit!

In order to make the process more user friendly, we have included simple prompts as to when to use the person’s name and when to allow them to speak.

This will also be another one of those pages we should just print out, sign and place in Zoe’s Psychotherapy binder (boy are we going to skate through that process!):

Generic Pep Talk P-4u2

(Copyright 2008, Zoe Buchwald, www.mushybaby.com)

• You know what you are, (Person’s name, last name or nickname)? Switzerland! You know what Switzerland is?

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• Yes, I know, a country. Do you know what else?

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• Alright, technically it is a continent and not an island. I get it, the country itself is totally landlocked, but thats where I’m going, (Person’s name, last name or nickname).

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, we are not going to Switzerland, Switzerland is on a continent and a continent is made of a rocks, just like islands – a rock is an island.

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• Yes, this is supposed to be a metaphor, but you know what else besides that?

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• It’s an island!

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• O.k., it’s not an island, but it is on one, I mean a continent, errr, rock!

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, we are not going rock climbing, hunting or skiing to get away from your issue here.

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, we are not defecting, immigrating or anything else. don’t evade the issue here.

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• OK, this isn’t coming out right – Switzerland is a country, you are the rock! be strong here!

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, I didn’t mean you are as smart as a rock, I meant that you (Insert moral here).

(Lecturee gratitude allowed here)

So try it out on your family, friends and co-workers and report back! We need to  get any kinks tweaked out before we need to use it on Zoe!

Oati-oati-os anagram for quickset cement?

Posted by dad…

Meet our daughter, Zoe. She is the main focus of this blog and a source for never ending observation and insight into the human condition. She also answers to the name: “Little-Baby-Zoe-Ketze-Mushy-Baby-Marshmallow- Chewy-Ooey-Gooey-Pineapple-Coconut-Up-Side-Down- Roly-Poly-Squirmy-Wormy-Chunkybuster-Butterball -Zoe-oat-Spaghetti-oat-Wheatie-Feety-Girl-Head”.

Our soon to be nine-month old girl is an eating machine. More accurately, she is a salivating machine capable of coating any surface completely with a slick layer of cold wetness in a matter of seconds while forcing objects many times her size into her oral cavity in the search for comestibles.

As she has begun her self-taught masticating lessons, (replete with pincer practice) we started propping her up in her highchair with a handful or two of handy baby-starter foods.

The first attempts were met with frustration and an occasional case of Infantosis (inflammation of the emotions of an infant):

1. maneuvering the pieces near the oral cavity only to have them stick to various body parts, rarely of which are internal
2. picking up the offending finger friendly pieces up and depositing over the side of the chair, occasionally inadvertently bopping a cat on the fly or on the bounce
3. the arm sweep, clearing the flat surface with one or two broad strokes
4. finally, the subject of this writing, the magician act…

The magician act starts innocently enough – Zoe stuffed into the chair with a handful of O’s to keep her occupied. Brief observation of the subject notes O’s moving in a mouthward motion and quickly disappearing, followed by some rudimentary baby clicking/chewing-like noises.

Occasional observation reveals agitated, hungry baby wanting more. Additional O’s are added and the process repeats.

The medical diagnosis of “Acute Hunger Activation” or AHA for short brings a dosage of cereal, carrots or some other substantial edible.

Once the substantial edible is rejected, often all over the baby, the father and the kitchen in general, Zoe is removed from the chair under the diagnosis “Baby’s Full of Food” or BFF for short.

The extraction process reveals that the baby is indeed unable to be removed. Approximately 95% of the foodstuff (according to the boxes, primarily rice, whole grain wheat flour and bran) has been mixed with saliva in the same general proportions as concrete.

The baby is stuck to the seat with all the O’s she shoved underneath her in an amazing disappearing act.

• The seat is oated and coated
• The baby’s chin is adhered to the top of her onsie
• The Bib is cemented in half and also to her belly
• Her dolly and teething toys now have an odd new texture that will not come off in the laundry or the dishwasher
• Her diaper (HTH- How’d That Happen?) has O’s stuck IN it
• Zoe-style hair goop holds better than Breck, Dipity Doo and VO5 combined
  
• Her orifices are clogged, ears, nose – unfortunately not her now agitated and screeching little mouth though
• My hands, which not unlike the feeling one gets when stepping in something unsavory in stocking feet, are now adhered to the baby

My elbow stuck to the chair’s eating surface, merely in the want of leverage to get the 25 pound sack of baby out of the chair has me feeling like Uncle Remus’ Brer Rabbit in the tar baby.

I guess my next invention will have to be a non-stick finger food.

Honestly, NASA, Home Depot or P&G should look into patenting this stuff, because if they don’t I will be forced to start a children’s sweatshop focused on using this material to build adobe style housing for the poor.