What powers the flyboat?

Posted by dad…

Ever wonder how the Wonder Pets get around? How can a few toys randomly assembled and powered by highlighter marker caps fly to Europe and back? For that matter, how can they save animals in twubble when they are 8 hours away minimum by jet? The Flyboat? Right…..

What lessons are we teaching our children besides how to tawk wike Ewmer Fudd? Mommy pointed out that the animals in trouble should all be dead – after all the time the Wonder Pets spend singing before heading off to save the day.

I think I figured it out how the flyboat works. Two words… Nuclear Power.

The way I figure it, the school was built on a superfund cleanup site – Fernald? Springfield?

It explains the singing animals.

It explains the constant craving for celery and it’s minor antioxidant properties that eliminate free radical radiation.

In fact, it explains everything non-logical everywhere. Even Bugs Bunny. Even the economy. And of course, The Simpsons.

Lesson? The powers of logic and physics do not apply in children’s programming. More so each passing day… unless the topic is resulting mutations in biomorphic species due to long term low level radiation exposure.

Map is a egotistical, condescending, passive-aggesive know-it-all

Posted by dad…

As a reminder, we cover those surreal children’s toys, shows and foodstuffs that go beyond informing imagination and take on a drug fueled life of their own…

Poor hydrocephalic Dora, having to tote around with that giant head all day long… looking for mysteries with out any clues. So who does she have to depend on for help? Map.

Map will show her the way! Enter merchandising opportunity here: (Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage)

Enter merchandise plug here: Zoe loves to tote her Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage around, fill it with toys, or just dump it over and sit in it while watching – what else?

O.k., back to Map – Help Dora cries – who comes to her rescue? Map. How do we know it’s Map? He tells us. Over and over and over (that condescending SOB). Map even has his own video and music (Dora the Explorer – Map Adventures)

Passive-aggressive? Who wants to know? Just ask Map – “YOU tell Dora” (because I’m too good to speak directly to her)…

Condescending? You bet! Who else knows where to go? And… he tells us over and over and over! In song, no less! His directions, simplistic as they may be are repeated to us over and over ad nauseum… Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! O.k. we get it! Shut up already!

Know it all? Who else provides graphics with their proclamations in this show? Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Wait, which one was the gate?

So we might get lost sometimes, but I think Map should meet Match and commit Hari Kari just for us adults’ enjoyment. Is that already on Youtube as a mashup? Maybe Swiper will relieve us of Map’s tedium by swiping him, tossing him into trees and allowing him to be ripped into shreds by monkeys or vultures looking to line their nests…

Enough vitriol you may say? Try watching a Dora marathon and see if you don’t agree…

Good Girl?!?

Posted by Dad…

Well Tracey and I swore we would not be the type of parents that uses TV to help occupy our daughter. Well that didn’t last too long, hopefully not to her detriment growing up in this plugged in society

So Tracey, based on Zoe’s progress decided to try her out on actual TV, you know, the kind we grew up on with the PBS logo and the telethons, etc. instead of the direct programming we have been piping into her from the Baby Einstein videos…

She flipped from Judge Whomever-it-is-this-week to our old public station and what happened to be on?

Wont’cha tell me how to get (Because we always want our children asking strangers directions) to Sesame Street?
So the first scene was an in depth conversation between a furry creature with Marty Feldman eyes and a slightly less furry, less Feldman eye’d creature talking about scythes or some whatnot in front of a brick wall.

Zoe took one look and immediately let us know her dissatisfaction with this particular type of programming. Give that girl some brightly colored sport or her Baby Einsteins!

Good Girl! No reason for us to have to explain Bert and Ernie, or Big Bird’s hallucenogenic friend Snuffalop-a-whatever-it-is-a-gus.

Good Girl? Hooked on one video already at the tender age of 9 months?

Eeesh, the psychotic break can’t come soon enough to drown the DVDs out with pleasant beeps and buzzes inside my head…

Zoe’s dreamt of a scary holiday

Posted by Dad…

Zoe received her first doll for the holidays.

Kinda cute, isn’t it with it’s blue eyes, blond hair and chubby belly? Well at first view, yes – BUT:

• look up wide set eyes and a myriad of genetic diseases with in depth photos appear that will make one alternately fascinated and nauseated while simultaneously wondering how any standard life could be brought forth without being sentenced to Dr. Moreau’s island of horrors
• The friendly body shape obviously is brought to us courtesy McDs, Nestle and a complete disregard for any type of physical movement whatsoever
  • the lack of underlying bone structure just adds to the effect
• how could a nose that small provide enough oxygen for such a portly body?
• at a glance, the nose and mouth combination seem to form the perfect O of a smiling scream of horror seen only in certain Twilight Zone episodes, horror movies and psychological artistry produced in the late sixties and early seventies…

On further review, the Venus of Willendorf has nothing on this character

The blue eyes accented by blue eyelashes more suited to trolling the streets for love or disco than innocent infantile play… the placid eyes contrasting the silent scream creating the perfect handicapable loveable montage that draws our young in, yet would frighten us walking about on the street.

Oh well, I think the fever we have been sharing all weekend is kicking in. More ranting soon.