Prepubescent Hydrocephalia Unchecked

Posted by dad -

What is it with childrens shows and bobble head characters? Pinky Dinky Doo thinks big, Dora the Explorer’s head travels unescorted all over the land, Ni Hao Kai Lan… is there some thalidomide equivalent in the cartoon world?

Heck, even Yosemite Sam had a perspective issue between his body and cranial proportions. Maybe there is a Darwinian survival-ism in effect. Hmmm. Prehistoric Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm too… we may be on to something.

Discuss…

What powers the flyboat?

Posted by dad…

Ever wonder how the Wonder Pets get around? How can a few toys randomly assembled and powered by highlighter marker caps fly to Europe and back? For that matter, how can they save animals in twubble when they are 8 hours away minimum by jet? The Flyboat? Right…..

What lessons are we teaching our children besides how to tawk wike Ewmer Fudd? Mommy pointed out that the animals in trouble should all be dead – after all the time the Wonder Pets spend singing before heading off to save the day.

I think I figured it out how the flyboat works. Two words… Nuclear Power.

The way I figure it, the school was built on a superfund cleanup site – Fernald? Springfield?

It explains the singing animals.

It explains the constant craving for celery and it’s minor antioxidant properties that eliminate free radical radiation.

In fact, it explains everything non-logical everywhere. Even Bugs Bunny. Even the economy. And of course, The Simpsons.

Lesson? The powers of logic and physics do not apply in children’s programming. More so each passing day… unless the topic is resulting mutations in biomorphic species due to long term low level radiation exposure.

Map is a egotistical, condescending, passive-aggesive know-it-all

Posted by dad…

As a reminder, we cover those surreal children’s toys, shows and foodstuffs that go beyond informing imagination and take on a drug fueled life of their own…

Poor hydrocephalic Dora, having to tote around with that giant head all day long… looking for mysteries with out any clues. So who does she have to depend on for help? Map.

Map will show her the way! Enter merchandising opportunity here: (Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage)

Enter merchandise plug here: Zoe loves to tote her Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage around, fill it with toys, or just dump it over and sit in it while watching – what else?

O.k., back to Map – Help Dora cries – who comes to her rescue? Map. How do we know it’s Map? He tells us. Over and over and over (that condescending SOB). Map even has his own video and music (Dora the Explorer – Map Adventures)

Passive-aggressive? Who wants to know? Just ask Map – “YOU tell Dora” (because I’m too good to speak directly to her)…

Condescending? You bet! Who else knows where to go? And… he tells us over and over and over! In song, no less! His directions, simplistic as they may be are repeated to us over and over ad nauseum… Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! O.k. we get it! Shut up already!

Know it all? Who else provides graphics with their proclamations in this show? Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Wait, which one was the gate?

So we might get lost sometimes, but I think Map should meet Match and commit Hari Kari just for us adults’ enjoyment. Is that already on Youtube as a mashup? Maybe Swiper will relieve us of Map’s tedium by swiping him, tossing him into trees and allowing him to be ripped into shreds by monkeys or vultures looking to line their nests…

Enough vitriol you may say? Try watching a Dora marathon and see if you don’t agree…

Lego my Head-o

Posted by Dad…

O.k., we’re back and back onto toys.

Let’s talk about Duplos, Legos, Blox and Stax, and other Seussonian Clix and Clax, (alright, it’s early, so no more rhyming meter games for this Mr. Lorax).

Lets talk about linking toys that promote Frankenstonian development in the most benign way (So they say!).

Zoe’s first birthday went very well, (the whole Pinata thing notwithstanding) and she made out like a bandit in the toy and clothing arenas.

Most notable and fun for mom was this activity table with giant Lego-like pieces. “Here baby, this is a block. Pop a head on it and now it is a cat. Rip the head off and pop another head on and it is now a train engineer!”

Well, Zoe likes to chew on the cat head, but what message are we sending the youth of today when we encourage them into anthropomorphizing lifeless blocks into vital cogs of our workforce (train engineers) and then randomly replace their heads with those of simple household pets?

What really happens when little Casey finally gets that dream job as a head engineer at Amtrak? How will society react when he has a flashback to his days as a one year old and starts pretending to be a puppy?

Do we excuse his reckless behavior and the millions of dollars in damage he causes by running his real-life train into another head-on in a Ritalin-less induced-Autistic-like flashback? OR, do we condemn his alcoholic, post-traumatic stress-like reaction, toss him in jail and sue his neglectful arse back to preskool?

Well, poor Casey, I don’t think that the play-induced cognitive developmental channel you followed as a child was pursued by enough children-who-really-did-grow-up-to-be-train-engineers to file a class action lawsuit, but there is a glimmer of hope that you could sue China and some toy companies for all the lead-laced plastic you sucked on as a child! If that doesn’t work, maybe you can go after big Pharma for the inoculations and maintenance drugs you have been on since birth…

Lesson learned? Toys+play=behaviors. Behaviors+(Need to blame)=lawsuits. Lawsuits+(consumer watchdog groups)=(change to toy manufacturing)

There you go – one entire economic engine foodchain built by playing with Legos. Hey, we didn’t even get into the whole body-image issue created when chubby babies learn that snapping a head onto a small building block makes the toy look much more svelte than when the head is on a large block! well, we’ll save that and the inevitable trans gender issues for another post.

Anyone interested in a slightly used Lego Pinata?

Partially Masticated Panda Bear Heads

Posted by Dad…

Zoe Eating

Today we started out on a good note – everyone up at the same time and then downstairs for breakfast.

To occupy baby Zoe, during the coffee preparation and inevitable onslaught of sticky baby-feeding paraphernalia, we give her some finger foods as you may recall from a previous post.

As I was pouring some delicious trail mix of bland grain and oat based delectables onto her baby tray, I noticed that I myself was heartily and wholly contributing to her altered sense of reality. Yes, it was me who was encouraging bizarre social behavior as I was the one who had bought her the box of Teddy Heads.

Yes, here baby, please stuff yourself clumsily, practice your eating skills with a fist full of simulated decapitated smiling panda craniums! Yum! Don’t bother with the bodies, just pluck the largest of smiling mammal heads and maneuver them into your awaiting hungry mouth!

So much for Oati-o’s, next up peas, bananas and cheese. Do they make decapitated cheese heads for children as well? The torment simply cannot end here with chocolate bunnies, beating human hearts and poor defenseless marshmallow peeps…

Suddenly I was reminded of Dane Cook’s Kool Aid sketch – Oh Yeah! Drink from my open head filled with debris from your broken wall! Oh Yeah! OH YEAH!

Let the self-hypnosis sessions start – for me, not Zoe.

I need to squelch from my mind this horrid example of parenting of which I participated fully – at least until the peeps, chocolate cream filled eggs and chunks of half melted chocolate bunnies go on sale after Zoe’s first birthday (8, April). If I’m lucky, the dollar store might have some whitish spotted chocolate santas left over from 6 months ago…

Why do all my toys have daddy’s falsetto voice?

Posted by baby Zoe…

Something weird happened to me today – this morning I was playing with Mrs. Pink Teddy Bear while sitting on daddy’s lap and Mrs. Bear started moving her head around and saying, “Hello Zoe, How are you today?”

Teddy talking to me isn’t weird itself, every time I’m in daddy’s lap and playing with her, she speaks to me.

the odd thing happened later before breakfast – I was sitting with dad on the floor surrounded by all my new toys and all of a sudden, Sophie The Giraffe started asking me how my day was. You know what? All of a sudden I realized that Sophie, sounded just like Mrs. Bear!

Later on in the morning, Pie and Chan started asking me how my day was, and they too had the same voice! Do De Do Dooo … Do De Do Dooo …

So as I lay here in my crib pondering my morning, I ask myself why exactly it is that all my toys have the same voice ad ask me the same question? Well, other than the ones that flash and talk and play music to me ….

Wait, this only seems to happen when daddy is around too. More soon when I figure this out!

Good Girl?!?

Posted by Dad…

Well Tracey and I swore we would not be the type of parents that uses TV to help occupy our daughter. Well that didn’t last too long, hopefully not to her detriment growing up in this plugged in society

So Tracey, based on Zoe’s progress decided to try her out on actual TV, you know, the kind we grew up on with the PBS logo and the telethons, etc. instead of the direct programming we have been piping into her from the Baby Einstein videos…

She flipped from Judge Whomever-it-is-this-week to our old public station and what happened to be on?

Wont’cha tell me how to get (Because we always want our children asking strangers directions) to Sesame Street?
So the first scene was an in depth conversation between a furry creature with Marty Feldman eyes and a slightly less furry, less Feldman eye’d creature talking about scythes or some whatnot in front of a brick wall.

Zoe took one look and immediately let us know her dissatisfaction with this particular type of programming. Give that girl some brightly colored sport or her Baby Einsteins!

Good Girl! No reason for us to have to explain Bert and Ernie, or Big Bird’s hallucenogenic friend Snuffalop-a-whatever-it-is-a-gus.

Good Girl? Hooked on one video already at the tender age of 9 months?

Eeesh, the psychotic break can’t come soon enough to drown the DVDs out with pleasant beeps and buzzes inside my head…

What baby stuff were YOU thinking about?

Posted by Admin Dad…

So, after a week or so of playing around with Zoe’s blog, I checked on our stats. Decent enough for a new blog, but what really surprised me were the search terms used to find out little page of commentary – Favorites in color

Search Terms for 7 days ending 2008-01-15

• sophie the rubber giraffe rubber baby to
• cold sorces with babies
• to cold to go outside with infant
• chan pie gnon
• baby nine month cavity
• baby stuff not made in china
• wide set eyes babies
• spotted infant teeth
• demonic influence in music
• music value
• spoke teething toy
• unless baby products
• giraffe teething vulli
• blue chan pie gnon teething toy
• sesame street stuff
• giraffe chew toy baby
• infant salivating
  

Now thought that categorizing some of the blogs as vaguely erotic, psychotic break and oddly handicapable would bring some hits, but Nooooooo, it’s the baby nine month cavities (womb?), Spoke teething toy (throwing star? sputnik chandelier?) and music value (demonic or not – you decide?) that are pulling in the viewers.

Go figure…

More from Zoe later in the week!

Discount Baby Music – Value or Valueless demonic influence?

Posted by dad…

(Not a paid advertisement)
That’s right Parents! You too can save BIG money by buying your baby music CDs at discount marts! Since the music is Mastered in Canada and cases are printed in China, you can rest assured that your children will exceed the FDA requirements for nutritious lead and in turn grow up to be placid, happy babies!

Well, Zoe and I were tooling around in the car and the batteries had died in her Intellimirror thing, so I ripped open the two CD sets purchased from Tuesday Morning earlier in the week.

Into the CD player all 6 CDs went and Zoe blissed out to the sound of folkies and children’s choirs singing all our early childhood favorites:

• Waltzing Matilda (sans Tom Waits)
• I’ve been working on the railroad (children happily resisting child labor reform)
• The Ants go marching in (Communist manifesto)
• The wheels on the bus (more about this in the upcoming Baby Einstein or Baby Leary post)
• Take me out to the ballpark (and spend $1,000 on a day that will inspire one everlasting memory (for you that is) – barfing copious amounts of popcorn, peanuts and hot dogs mixed with Coke and Crackerjacks, while screaming about being bored and wanting to go home to the comfort of air conditioning, TV and video games)

As I basked in the throes of the psychotic break, enjoying the blur of traffic lights and street signs and barely audible buzzes, clicks and hypersonic voices of tiny children singing, something strange happened.

Birds started singing, vaguely discordant minor organ chords slipped by underneath the pop inspired beat. Familiar strains wafted from the stereo, I started craving deserts from Colorado, and then I snapped back to attention! What is that song?

(insert big double take head spin here)

Steppenwolf? Magic Carpet Ride? (legal disclaimer Words and music by John Kay and Rushton Moreve)

I like to dream yes, yes, right between my sound machine (prescient ode to a Bose stereo?)
On a cloud of sound I drift in the night (Another ode to pharmacological nocturnal rest aids?)
Any place it goes is right
Goes far, flies near, to the stars away from here

Well, you don’t know what we can find
Why don’t you come with me little girl
On a magic carpet ride
You don’t know what we can see
Why don’t you tell your dreams to me
Fantasy will set you free
Close your eyes girl
Look inside girl
Let the sound take you away

Granted there is a fine line between childlike fantasy and pedophilic bizarity and the words were altered ever so slightly to become more gender neutral… but is that o.k., or did the predatory nature of the song just expand twofold?

Can anyone say Amber Alert should have a watch sign for whomever recorded this song and slipped it into the middle of a children’s CD?

If I want my daughter learning about the reality of life, I’ll just have her watch the same (Mature adult only warning labeled) Sesame Street episodes my wife and I grew up on!