How many is that in rabbit years? Ask Max and Ruby

Posted by dad…

Max & Ruby, poor latchkey children rabbits, live in a home filled with antiques. Obviously abandoned by their parents, possibly due to their behavior (or the need for their parents to procreate like, well rabbits in order to create  more genteel set of children).

Only an occasional visit from Grandma acts as their only adult supervision. Poor little young Ruby has the unfortunate responsibility of raising her baby brother, Max.

Max, the monstrous demon child who loves dirt cakes, worms, destruction and shoving filth into his overall pockets must be quite the handful for innocent, young Ruby. They have no visible means of support, other than the occasional coin from selling lemonade and rare cash from grandma. In fact, they run a tab with the grocery and rarely have enough money to take the bus into town for shopping sprees. No bunny food stamps? No rabbit Social Security? Oh well, they will have to wait for the United States of Rabbits’ stimulus plan like the rest of us.

To entertain themselves, Ruby throws birthday parties practically every show. How often do bunnies have birthdays?

In this land ruled by children, and obviously modeled after the Lord of the Flies, the creators have strived to show the softer side of children practicing self rearing techniques.

Needless to say, this shamockery of children raising techniques aimed at creating anarchist behaviors in children, is a favorite along the lines of the gritty inner city children reality show, Sesame Street.

Beware the dangers of letting TV raise your children! I’m just waiting for one of those Elmo dolls to go Chucky
on someone.

Map is a egotistical, condescending, passive-aggesive know-it-all

Posted by dad…

As a reminder, we cover those surreal children’s toys, shows and foodstuffs that go beyond informing imagination and take on a drug fueled life of their own…

Poor hydrocephalic Dora, having to tote around with that giant head all day long… looking for mysteries with out any clues. So who does she have to depend on for help? Map.

Map will show her the way! Enter merchandising opportunity here: (Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage)

Enter merchandise plug here: Zoe loves to tote her Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage around, fill it with toys, or just dump it over and sit in it while watching – what else?

O.k., back to Map – Help Dora cries – who comes to her rescue? Map. How do we know it’s Map? He tells us. Over and over and over (that condescending SOB). Map even has his own video and music (Dora the Explorer – Map Adventures)

Passive-aggressive? Who wants to know? Just ask Map – “YOU tell Dora” (because I’m too good to speak directly to her)…

Condescending? You bet! Who else knows where to go? And… he tells us over and over and over! In song, no less! His directions, simplistic as they may be are repeated to us over and over ad nauseum… Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! O.k. we get it! Shut up already!

Know it all? Who else provides graphics with their proclamations in this show? Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Wait, which one was the gate?

So we might get lost sometimes, but I think Map should meet Match and commit Hari Kari just for us adults’ enjoyment. Is that already on Youtube as a mashup? Maybe Swiper will relieve us of Map’s tedium by swiping him, tossing him into trees and allowing him to be ripped into shreds by monkeys or vultures looking to line their nests…

Enough vitriol you may say? Try watching a Dora marathon and see if you don’t agree…

Baby Attica

Posted by Dad…

Why do we need Attica for babies? Gates, playpens, bouncers, walkers?

Two words. Cat. Food

No, make that three words. Wet. cat. Food.

I guess we have been giving Zoe too many veggies and not enough protein. As soon as she was mobile in a way that she could more or less control, it was into the cat bowls for a refreshing, meaty-scented snack.

If that wasn’t enough, yesterday she found an open can of cat food. Not content to just eat the contents, she scooped the remains of the cat meal out and proceeded to gnaw on the tin.

Billie Goat Girl and she don’t care!

Does the three second rule count for highchairs?

Posted by Dad…

Sorry for the “vacation” in posting, but Zoe’s teething, crawling, standing and other growth related activites came in fast and furious!

What is out of bounds for baby food? Tucked under the bib? Slid down the side into the plastic of the chair? Clinging to the edge of the table?

Let’s look into this and see if we can set some parameters:

• On the tray from the last meal?
  • Dry food? No problem!
  • Wet food? Still wet? Sure!
• In the bib, clothing or chair? well since this technically is not the ground…
  • Dry food? No problem!
  • Wet food that was dry? Nope!
• On the floor?
  • Clean wood, tile, pergo or ceramic? No problem!
  • Un-vacuumed rug? preferably not, though this tends to be the most sought after prize.
  • Wet food dried on carpet? If you can get it off, sure, why not? Survival of the fittest I say!
• In the cat/dog bowl?
  • Eeech, preferably not, especially if baby wants to stick fingers in Daddy’s mouth…

  So does the 3 second rule count with babies? I say no way – with my bleary eyes and reflexes, I’m lucky if I notice the food on the floor from last week!

Special notes I: organic, free range vegetables “age” rather nicely.

Special notes II: never try to hide liquid iron supplements in bananas, it just doesn’t work.

Special notes III: baby dropped something on the restaurant floor? Just leave it. Trust me. If it sticks, especially. Just. Leave. It.

Partially Masticated Panda Bear Heads

Posted by Dad…

Zoe Eating

Today we started out on a good note – everyone up at the same time and then downstairs for breakfast.

To occupy baby Zoe, during the coffee preparation and inevitable onslaught of sticky baby-feeding paraphernalia, we give her some finger foods as you may recall from a previous post.

As I was pouring some delicious trail mix of bland grain and oat based delectables onto her baby tray, I noticed that I myself was heartily and wholly contributing to her altered sense of reality. Yes, it was me who was encouraging bizarre social behavior as I was the one who had bought her the box of Teddy Heads.

Yes, here baby, please stuff yourself clumsily, practice your eating skills with a fist full of simulated decapitated smiling panda craniums! Yum! Don’t bother with the bodies, just pluck the largest of smiling mammal heads and maneuver them into your awaiting hungry mouth!

So much for Oati-o’s, next up peas, bananas and cheese. Do they make decapitated cheese heads for children as well? The torment simply cannot end here with chocolate bunnies, beating human hearts and poor defenseless marshmallow peeps…

Suddenly I was reminded of Dane Cook’s Kool Aid sketch – Oh Yeah! Drink from my open head filled with debris from your broken wall! Oh Yeah! OH YEAH!

Let the self-hypnosis sessions start – for me, not Zoe.

I need to squelch from my mind this horrid example of parenting of which I participated fully – at least until the peeps, chocolate cream filled eggs and chunks of half melted chocolate bunnies go on sale after Zoe’s first birthday (8, April). If I’m lucky, the dollar store might have some whitish spotted chocolate santas left over from 6 months ago…

Why do all my toys have daddy’s falsetto voice?

Posted by baby Zoe…

Something weird happened to me today – this morning I was playing with Mrs. Pink Teddy Bear while sitting on daddy’s lap and Mrs. Bear started moving her head around and saying, “Hello Zoe, How are you today?”

Teddy talking to me isn’t weird itself, every time I’m in daddy’s lap and playing with her, she speaks to me.

the odd thing happened later before breakfast – I was sitting with dad on the floor surrounded by all my new toys and all of a sudden, Sophie The Giraffe started asking me how my day was. You know what? All of a sudden I realized that Sophie, sounded just like Mrs. Bear!

Later on in the morning, Pie and Chan started asking me how my day was, and they too had the same voice! Do De Do Dooo … Do De Do Dooo …

So as I lay here in my crib pondering my morning, I ask myself why exactly it is that all my toys have the same voice ad ask me the same question? Well, other than the ones that flash and talk and play music to me ….

Wait, this only seems to happen when daddy is around too. More soon when I figure this out!

Generic Mental Health PSA – Free Advice, for Free!

Posted by Dad…

We’ll let you in on a little Secret to happiness in life. No, not positive thinking or another new-ageism, though those can help!

It is good old fashioned pep talks – no seriously.

In your family they might be called coaching sessions, lectures, sermons, lessons, advice and they may be as welcome or disdained as ours can be – pending proximity of the next closest opportunity to eat or nap. So here is a sample of how they work using template P-4u2 from the Oddly Handicapable Buchwald handbook of life.

In helping out a friend with a problem of the lady kind, we used the template below to great success (at least in our minds, no matter what the lecturee has to say).

This version of the P-4u2 pep talk is offered out free for use, provided you comment back on your results.

We hope that it will function as a swiss army knife in your repertoire any time you need to give a little self esteem, advice or just get a laugh to restore in others that endless positive energy and goodwill attitude that feeds the world – even if it did not exist as part of their personality before. Step aside Knute Rockne, Oprah and Phil, cause if this works, we’re challenging the Family Guy, Osbornes and the Simpsons for most cohesive family unit!

In order to make the process more user friendly, we have included simple prompts as to when to use the person’s name and when to allow them to speak.

This will also be another one of those pages we should just print out, sign and place in Zoe’s Psychotherapy binder (boy are we going to skate through that process!):

Generic Pep Talk P-4u2

(Copyright 2008, Zoe Buchwald, www.mushybaby.com)

• You know what you are, (Person’s name, last name or nickname)? Switzerland! You know what Switzerland is?

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• Yes, I know, a country. Do you know what else?

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• Alright, technically it is a continent and not an island. I get it, the country itself is totally landlocked, but thats where I’m going, (Person’s name, last name or nickname).

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, we are not going to Switzerland, Switzerland is on a continent and a continent is made of a rocks, just like islands – a rock is an island.

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• Yes, this is supposed to be a metaphor, but you know what else besides that?

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• It’s an island!

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• O.k., it’s not an island, but it is on one, I mean a continent, errr, rock!

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, we are not going rock climbing, hunting or skiing to get away from your issue here.

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, we are not defecting, immigrating or anything else. don’t evade the issue here.

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• OK, this isn’t coming out right – Switzerland is a country, you are the rock! be strong here!

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, I didn’t mean you are as smart as a rock, I meant that you (Insert moral here).

(Lecturee gratitude allowed here)

So try it out on your family, friends and co-workers and report back! We need to  get any kinks tweaked out before we need to use it on Zoe!