Prepubescent Hydrocephalia Unchecked

Posted by dad -

What is it with childrens shows and bobble head characters? Pinky Dinky Doo thinks big, Dora the Explorer’s head travels unescorted all over the land, Ni Hao Kai Lan… is there some thalidomide equivalent in the cartoon world?

Heck, even Yosemite Sam had a perspective issue between his body and cranial proportions. Maybe there is a Darwinian survival-ism in effect. Hmmm. Prehistoric Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm too… we may be on to something.

Discuss…

What powers the flyboat?

Posted by dad…

Ever wonder how the Wonder Pets get around? How can a few toys randomly assembled and powered by highlighter marker caps fly to Europe and back? For that matter, how can they save animals in twubble when they are 8 hours away minimum by jet? The Flyboat? Right…..

What lessons are we teaching our children besides how to tawk wike Ewmer Fudd? Mommy pointed out that the animals in trouble should all be dead – after all the time the Wonder Pets spend singing before heading off to save the day.

I think I figured it out how the flyboat works. Two words… Nuclear Power.

The way I figure it, the school was built on a superfund cleanup site – Fernald? Springfield?

It explains the singing animals.

It explains the constant craving for celery and it’s minor antioxidant properties that eliminate free radical radiation.

In fact, it explains everything non-logical everywhere. Even Bugs Bunny. Even the economy. And of course, The Simpsons.

Lesson? The powers of logic and physics do not apply in children’s programming. More so each passing day… unless the topic is resulting mutations in biomorphic species due to long term low level radiation exposure.

How many is that in rabbit years? Ask Max and Ruby

Posted by dad…

Max & Ruby, poor latchkey children rabbits, live in a home filled with antiques. Obviously abandoned by their parents, possibly due to their behavior (or the need for their parents to procreate like, well rabbits in order to create  more genteel set of children).

Only an occasional visit from Grandma acts as their only adult supervision. Poor little young Ruby has the unfortunate responsibility of raising her baby brother, Max.

Max, the monstrous demon child who loves dirt cakes, worms, destruction and shoving filth into his overall pockets must be quite the handful for innocent, young Ruby. They have no visible means of support, other than the occasional coin from selling lemonade and rare cash from grandma. In fact, they run a tab with the grocery and rarely have enough money to take the bus into town for shopping sprees. No bunny food stamps? No rabbit Social Security? Oh well, they will have to wait for the United States of Rabbits’ stimulus plan like the rest of us.

To entertain themselves, Ruby throws birthday parties practically every show. How often do bunnies have birthdays?

In this land ruled by children, and obviously modeled after the Lord of the Flies, the creators have strived to show the softer side of children practicing self rearing techniques.

Needless to say, this shamockery of children raising techniques aimed at creating anarchist behaviors in children, is a favorite along the lines of the gritty inner city children reality show, Sesame Street.

Beware the dangers of letting TV raise your children! I’m just waiting for one of those Elmo dolls to go Chucky
on someone.

Map is a egotistical, condescending, passive-aggesive know-it-all

Posted by dad…

As a reminder, we cover those surreal children’s toys, shows and foodstuffs that go beyond informing imagination and take on a drug fueled life of their own…

Poor hydrocephalic Dora, having to tote around with that giant head all day long… looking for mysteries with out any clues. So who does she have to depend on for help? Map.

Map will show her the way! Enter merchandising opportunity here: (Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage)

Enter merchandise plug here: Zoe loves to tote her Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage around, fill it with toys, or just dump it over and sit in it while watching – what else?

O.k., back to Map – Help Dora cries – who comes to her rescue? Map. How do we know it’s Map? He tells us. Over and over and over (that condescending SOB). Map even has his own video and music (Dora the Explorer – Map Adventures)

Passive-aggressive? Who wants to know? Just ask Map – “YOU tell Dora” (because I’m too good to speak directly to her)…

Condescending? You bet! Who else knows where to go? And… he tells us over and over and over! In song, no less! His directions, simplistic as they may be are repeated to us over and over ad nauseum… Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! O.k. we get it! Shut up already!

Know it all? Who else provides graphics with their proclamations in this show? Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Wait, which one was the gate?

So we might get lost sometimes, but I think Map should meet Match and commit Hari Kari just for us adults’ enjoyment. Is that already on Youtube as a mashup? Maybe Swiper will relieve us of Map’s tedium by swiping him, tossing him into trees and allowing him to be ripped into shreds by monkeys or vultures looking to line their nests…

Enough vitriol you may say? Try watching a Dora marathon and see if you don’t agree…

Lego my Head-o

Posted by Dad…

O.k., we’re back and back onto toys.

Let’s talk about Duplos, Legos, Blox and Stax, and other Seussonian Clix and Clax, (alright, it’s early, so no more rhyming meter games for this Mr. Lorax).

Lets talk about linking toys that promote Frankenstonian development in the most benign way (So they say!).

Zoe’s first birthday went very well, (the whole Pinata thing notwithstanding) and she made out like a bandit in the toy and clothing arenas.

Most notable and fun for mom was this activity table with giant Lego-like pieces. “Here baby, this is a block. Pop a head on it and now it is a cat. Rip the head off and pop another head on and it is now a train engineer!”

Well, Zoe likes to chew on the cat head, but what message are we sending the youth of today when we encourage them into anthropomorphizing lifeless blocks into vital cogs of our workforce (train engineers) and then randomly replace their heads with those of simple household pets?

What really happens when little Casey finally gets that dream job as a head engineer at Amtrak? How will society react when he has a flashback to his days as a one year old and starts pretending to be a puppy?

Do we excuse his reckless behavior and the millions of dollars in damage he causes by running his real-life train into another head-on in a Ritalin-less induced-Autistic-like flashback? OR, do we condemn his alcoholic, post-traumatic stress-like reaction, toss him in jail and sue his neglectful arse back to preskool?

Well, poor Casey, I don’t think that the play-induced cognitive developmental channel you followed as a child was pursued by enough children-who-really-did-grow-up-to-be-train-engineers to file a class action lawsuit, but there is a glimmer of hope that you could sue China and some toy companies for all the lead-laced plastic you sucked on as a child! If that doesn’t work, maybe you can go after big Pharma for the inoculations and maintenance drugs you have been on since birth…

Lesson learned? Toys+play=behaviors. Behaviors+(Need to blame)=lawsuits. Lawsuits+(consumer watchdog groups)=(change to toy manufacturing)

There you go – one entire economic engine foodchain built by playing with Legos. Hey, we didn’t even get into the whole body-image issue created when chubby babies learn that snapping a head onto a small building block makes the toy look much more svelte than when the head is on a large block! well, we’ll save that and the inevitable trans gender issues for another post.

Anyone interested in a slightly used Lego Pinata?

Zoe’s fave five toys

Posted by Dad…

Well after a year or two of watching the fave five commercials during daddy’s basketball games, Zoe has assembled her favorite five toys list:

1. Pie Chan and Gnon from Vulli Toys. Her fave toys to chew on – plus she recently gained the dexterityto make the squeakers work! Since Sophie the Giraffe is AWOL, these mushrooms have gained in popularity
2. Mrs. Pink Teddy Bear from the famous Ty Beanie Baby collection. Mrs. Bear greets Zoe every morning and doesnt mind being chewed on one bit!
3. Pop up books are so much fun! With chewable plasti-paper and semi easily detachable elements in fun cut-out shapes, these are the most entertaining, fulfilling and filling toys around! Nothing shuts Zoe up like a mouthful of good book!
4. Tags (on toys) also, noting fills a babies tummy up and quiets those teething pains like tags on toys. Much more fun and tasty than the toys themselves, Baby Einstein is (psychotic handicapable video puppets aside) famous for adding warning tag after warning tag to alert us parents to the ingredients and potential hazards of each and every component. the Baby Einstein Activity Mat is rife with chewilicious tags on each and every detachable piece!
5. Food. Not just for eating, food can be used as paste, glue, paint, stacking toys, projectile weapons and many more entertaining things! Plus, after filling up on toys and books, who wants asparagus or broccoli anyway?

Baby Veggie Trail Mix

Posted by Dad…

O.k., so on Ubbe J’s suggestion, I looked under the vinyl cushion on Zoe’s highchair. Big Mistake.

Zoe, ever the resourceful sort has been squirreling away her favorite foods for a rainy day, or a hike, or a camping trip of some sort.

Guess what I found? Can I package and sell it? Would babies eat it (dumb question)? Would the FDA or other regulatory bodies allow my entrepreneurial efforts at free trade or eCommerce?

Anyone wanting to design a label or order some, please email Zoe!

Generic Mental Health PSA – Free Advice, for Free!

Posted by Dad…

We’ll let you in on a little Secret to happiness in life. No, not positive thinking or another new-ageism, though those can help!

It is good old fashioned pep talks – no seriously.

In your family they might be called coaching sessions, lectures, sermons, lessons, advice and they may be as welcome or disdained as ours can be – pending proximity of the next closest opportunity to eat or nap. So here is a sample of how they work using template P-4u2 from the Oddly Handicapable Buchwald handbook of life.

In helping out a friend with a problem of the lady kind, we used the template below to great success (at least in our minds, no matter what the lecturee has to say).

This version of the P-4u2 pep talk is offered out free for use, provided you comment back on your results.

We hope that it will function as a swiss army knife in your repertoire any time you need to give a little self esteem, advice or just get a laugh to restore in others that endless positive energy and goodwill attitude that feeds the world – even if it did not exist as part of their personality before. Step aside Knute Rockne, Oprah and Phil, cause if this works, we’re challenging the Family Guy, Osbornes and the Simpsons for most cohesive family unit!

In order to make the process more user friendly, we have included simple prompts as to when to use the person’s name and when to allow them to speak.

This will also be another one of those pages we should just print out, sign and place in Zoe’s Psychotherapy binder (boy are we going to skate through that process!):

Generic Pep Talk P-4u2

(Copyright 2008, Zoe Buchwald, www.mushybaby.com)

• You know what you are, (Person’s name, last name or nickname)? Switzerland! You know what Switzerland is?

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• Yes, I know, a country. Do you know what else?

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• Alright, technically it is a continent and not an island. I get it, the country itself is totally landlocked, but thats where I’m going, (Person’s name, last name or nickname).

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, we are not going to Switzerland, Switzerland is on a continent and a continent is made of a rocks, just like islands – a rock is an island.

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• Yes, this is supposed to be a metaphor, but you know what else besides that?

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• It’s an island!

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• O.k., it’s not an island, but it is on one, I mean a continent, errr, rock!

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, we are not going rock climbing, hunting or skiing to get away from your issue here.

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, we are not defecting, immigrating or anything else. don’t evade the issue here.

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• OK, this isn’t coming out right – Switzerland is a country, you are the rock! be strong here!

(Lecturee response allowed here)

• No, I didn’t mean you are as smart as a rock, I meant that you (Insert moral here).

(Lecturee gratitude allowed here)

So try it out on your family, friends and co-workers and report back! We need to  get any kinks tweaked out before we need to use it on Zoe!

What baby stuff were YOU thinking about?

Posted by Admin Dad…

So, after a week or so of playing around with Zoe’s blog, I checked on our stats. Decent enough for a new blog, but what really surprised me were the search terms used to find out little page of commentary – Favorites in color

Search Terms for 7 days ending 2008-01-15

• sophie the rubber giraffe rubber baby to
• cold sorces with babies
• to cold to go outside with infant
• chan pie gnon
• baby nine month cavity
• baby stuff not made in china
• wide set eyes babies
• spotted infant teeth
• demonic influence in music
• music value
• spoke teething toy
• unless baby products
• giraffe teething vulli
• blue chan pie gnon teething toy
• sesame street stuff
• giraffe chew toy baby
• infant salivating
  

Now thought that categorizing some of the blogs as vaguely erotic, psychotic break and oddly handicapable would bring some hits, but Nooooooo, it’s the baby nine month cavities (womb?), Spoke teething toy (throwing star? sputnik chandelier?) and music value (demonic or not – you decide?) that are pulling in the viewers.

Go figure…

More from Zoe later in the week!

Discount Baby Music – Value or Valueless demonic influence?

Posted by dad…

(Not a paid advertisement)
That’s right Parents! You too can save BIG money by buying your baby music CDs at discount marts! Since the music is Mastered in Canada and cases are printed in China, you can rest assured that your children will exceed the FDA requirements for nutritious lead and in turn grow up to be placid, happy babies!

Well, Zoe and I were tooling around in the car and the batteries had died in her Intellimirror thing, so I ripped open the two CD sets purchased from Tuesday Morning earlier in the week.

Into the CD player all 6 CDs went and Zoe blissed out to the sound of folkies and children’s choirs singing all our early childhood favorites:

• Waltzing Matilda (sans Tom Waits)
• I’ve been working on the railroad (children happily resisting child labor reform)
• The Ants go marching in (Communist manifesto)
• The wheels on the bus (more about this in the upcoming Baby Einstein or Baby Leary post)
• Take me out to the ballpark (and spend $1,000 on a day that will inspire one everlasting memory (for you that is) – barfing copious amounts of popcorn, peanuts and hot dogs mixed with Coke and Crackerjacks, while screaming about being bored and wanting to go home to the comfort of air conditioning, TV and video games)

As I basked in the throes of the psychotic break, enjoying the blur of traffic lights and street signs and barely audible buzzes, clicks and hypersonic voices of tiny children singing, something strange happened.

Birds started singing, vaguely discordant minor organ chords slipped by underneath the pop inspired beat. Familiar strains wafted from the stereo, I started craving deserts from Colorado, and then I snapped back to attention! What is that song?

(insert big double take head spin here)

Steppenwolf? Magic Carpet Ride? (legal disclaimer Words and music by John Kay and Rushton Moreve)

I like to dream yes, yes, right between my sound machine (prescient ode to a Bose stereo?)
On a cloud of sound I drift in the night (Another ode to pharmacological nocturnal rest aids?)
Any place it goes is right
Goes far, flies near, to the stars away from here

Well, you don’t know what we can find
Why don’t you come with me little girl
On a magic carpet ride
You don’t know what we can see
Why don’t you tell your dreams to me
Fantasy will set you free
Close your eyes girl
Look inside girl
Let the sound take you away

Granted there is a fine line between childlike fantasy and pedophilic bizarity and the words were altered ever so slightly to become more gender neutral… but is that o.k., or did the predatory nature of the song just expand twofold?

Can anyone say Amber Alert should have a watch sign for whomever recorded this song and slipped it into the middle of a children’s CD?

If I want my daughter learning about the reality of life, I’ll just have her watch the same (Mature adult only warning labeled) Sesame Street episodes my wife and I grew up on!