Immaculate baby conception

Posted by Dad…

Ok, the blog about Zoe’s surreal toys and videos is now officially more about her eating than play habits. We’ll correct that later, but this one had to be put out into the world

Experiment #1 – One suction cup bowl from IKEA, half a container of yogurt, remains of some animal crackers, two spoons and Zoe

Result: Zoe refused to reliquish control of both spoons, dipping the handles into the yogurt and then licking the spoon part that has no food on it.

Experiment #2 – Dad just clear cut his way through a bunch of sugary weekend leftovers, so insert some protein, hard boiled egg style

Process – peel eggs, eat half, give some to the sticky monster in the high chair

Result: Zoe eventually relinquished her spoon, preferring to dip the egg into the strawberry yogurt. On hearing of the process report, mother instantly gagged at the thought of yogurt covered eggs. Good thing dad didn’t mention the impulse to dip the eggs in the chocolate sauce left over from last night. The jewish part of the family remembers some distant Christian ritual involving eggs, chocolate, bunnies, etc., but it is too early in the AM for total recall of the egg chocolate process….

Update: next post we will review Zoe’s recipe for Yogurt covered egg trail mix.

Reminder: never leave a baby unattended with a suction cup bowl. Suction cups don’t stick too well to animal cracker crumbs.

Baby Attica

Posted by Dad…

Why do we need Attica for babies? Gates, playpens, bouncers, walkers?

Two words. Cat. Food

No, make that three words. Wet. cat. Food.

I guess we have been giving Zoe too many veggies and not enough protein. As soon as she was mobile in a way that she could more or less control, it was into the cat bowls for a refreshing, meaty-scented snack.

If that wasn’t enough, yesterday she found an open can of cat food. Not content to just eat the contents, she scooped the remains of the cat meal out and proceeded to gnaw on the tin.

Billie Goat Girl and she don’t care!

Zoe’s fave five toys

Posted by Dad…

Well after a year or two of watching the fave five commercials during daddy’s basketball games, Zoe has assembled her favorite five toys list:

1. Pie Chan and Gnon from Vulli Toys. Her fave toys to chew on – plus she recently gained the dexterityto make the squeakers work! Since Sophie the Giraffe is AWOL, these mushrooms have gained in popularity
2. Mrs. Pink Teddy Bear from the famous Ty Beanie Baby collection. Mrs. Bear greets Zoe every morning and doesnt mind being chewed on one bit!
3. Pop up books are so much fun! With chewable plasti-paper and semi easily detachable elements in fun cut-out shapes, these are the most entertaining, fulfilling and filling toys around! Nothing shuts Zoe up like a mouthful of good book!
4. Tags (on toys) also, noting fills a babies tummy up and quiets those teething pains like tags on toys. Much more fun and tasty than the toys themselves, Baby Einstein is (psychotic handicapable video puppets aside) famous for adding warning tag after warning tag to alert us parents to the ingredients and potential hazards of each and every component. the Baby Einstein Activity Mat is rife with chewilicious tags on each and every detachable piece!
5. Food. Not just for eating, food can be used as paste, glue, paint, stacking toys, projectile weapons and many more entertaining things! Plus, after filling up on toys and books, who wants asparagus or broccoli anyway?

Baby Veggie Trail Mix

Posted by Dad…

O.k., so on Ubbe J’s suggestion, I looked under the vinyl cushion on Zoe’s highchair. Big Mistake.

Zoe, ever the resourceful sort has been squirreling away her favorite foods for a rainy day, or a hike, or a camping trip of some sort.

Guess what I found? Can I package and sell it? Would babies eat it (dumb question)? Would the FDA or other regulatory bodies allow my entrepreneurial efforts at free trade or eCommerce?

Anyone wanting to design a label or order some, please email Zoe!

Does the three second rule count for highchairs?

Posted by Dad…

Sorry for the “vacation” in posting, but Zoe’s teething, crawling, standing and other growth related activites came in fast and furious!

What is out of bounds for baby food? Tucked under the bib? Slid down the side into the plastic of the chair? Clinging to the edge of the table?

Let’s look into this and see if we can set some parameters:

• On the tray from the last meal?
  • Dry food? No problem!
  • Wet food? Still wet? Sure!
• In the bib, clothing or chair? well since this technically is not the ground…
  • Dry food? No problem!
  • Wet food that was dry? Nope!
• On the floor?
  • Clean wood, tile, pergo or ceramic? No problem!
  • Un-vacuumed rug? preferably not, though this tends to be the most sought after prize.
  • Wet food dried on carpet? If you can get it off, sure, why not? Survival of the fittest I say!
• In the cat/dog bowl?
  • Eeech, preferably not, especially if baby wants to stick fingers in Daddy’s mouth…

  So does the 3 second rule count with babies? I say no way – with my bleary eyes and reflexes, I’m lucky if I notice the food on the floor from last week!

Special notes I: organic, free range vegetables “age” rather nicely.

Special notes II: never try to hide liquid iron supplements in bananas, it just doesn’t work.

Special notes III: baby dropped something on the restaurant floor? Just leave it. Trust me. If it sticks, especially. Just. Leave. It.

See and Say: It’s what’s for dinner…

Posted by Dad…

Gee, until this very moment, I never realized that the entire purpose of the See and Say is to encourage children to verbalize their desires for their mealtime protein.

Oddly enough, nowhere on the the See and Say menu are vegetables or soy products, imagine that. The whole series is based on mammals filled with chemicals and genetically modified for maximum profit when sold to the local Krogers.

Coming soon to your Pack and Play, the Vegan See and Say!

Zoe, can you say Textured Vegetable Protein? Zoe, can you say obesity induced myocaridal infarction?

Partially Masticated Panda Bear Heads

Posted by Dad…

Zoe Eating

Today we started out on a good note – everyone up at the same time and then downstairs for breakfast.

To occupy baby Zoe, during the coffee preparation and inevitable onslaught of sticky baby-feeding paraphernalia, we give her some finger foods as you may recall from a previous post.

As I was pouring some delicious trail mix of bland grain and oat based delectables onto her baby tray, I noticed that I myself was heartily and wholly contributing to her altered sense of reality. Yes, it was me who was encouraging bizarre social behavior as I was the one who had bought her the box of Teddy Heads.

Yes, here baby, please stuff yourself clumsily, practice your eating skills with a fist full of simulated decapitated smiling panda craniums! Yum! Don’t bother with the bodies, just pluck the largest of smiling mammal heads and maneuver them into your awaiting hungry mouth!

So much for Oati-o’s, next up peas, bananas and cheese. Do they make decapitated cheese heads for children as well? The torment simply cannot end here with chocolate bunnies, beating human hearts and poor defenseless marshmallow peeps…

Suddenly I was reminded of Dane Cook’s Kool Aid sketch – Oh Yeah! Drink from my open head filled with debris from your broken wall! Oh Yeah! OH YEAH!

Let the self-hypnosis sessions start – for me, not Zoe.

I need to squelch from my mind this horrid example of parenting of which I participated fully – at least until the peeps, chocolate cream filled eggs and chunks of half melted chocolate bunnies go on sale after Zoe’s first birthday (8, April). If I’m lucky, the dollar store might have some whitish spotted chocolate santas left over from 6 months ago…

Oati-oati-os anagram for quickset cement?

Posted by dad…

Meet our daughter, Zoe. She is the main focus of this blog and a source for never ending observation and insight into the human condition. She also answers to the name: “Little-Baby-Zoe-Ketze-Mushy-Baby-Marshmallow- Chewy-Ooey-Gooey-Pineapple-Coconut-Up-Side-Down- Roly-Poly-Squirmy-Wormy-Chunkybuster-Butterball -Zoe-oat-Spaghetti-oat-Wheatie-Feety-Girl-Head”.

Our soon to be nine-month old girl is an eating machine. More accurately, she is a salivating machine capable of coating any surface completely with a slick layer of cold wetness in a matter of seconds while forcing objects many times her size into her oral cavity in the search for comestibles.

As she has begun her self-taught masticating lessons, (replete with pincer practice) we started propping her up in her highchair with a handful or two of handy baby-starter foods.

The first attempts were met with frustration and an occasional case of Infantosis (inflammation of the emotions of an infant):

1. maneuvering the pieces near the oral cavity only to have them stick to various body parts, rarely of which are internal
2. picking up the offending finger friendly pieces up and depositing over the side of the chair, occasionally inadvertently bopping a cat on the fly or on the bounce
3. the arm sweep, clearing the flat surface with one or two broad strokes
4. finally, the subject of this writing, the magician act…

The magician act starts innocently enough – Zoe stuffed into the chair with a handful of O’s to keep her occupied. Brief observation of the subject notes O’s moving in a mouthward motion and quickly disappearing, followed by some rudimentary baby clicking/chewing-like noises.

Occasional observation reveals agitated, hungry baby wanting more. Additional O’s are added and the process repeats.

The medical diagnosis of “Acute Hunger Activation” or AHA for short brings a dosage of cereal, carrots or some other substantial edible.

Once the substantial edible is rejected, often all over the baby, the father and the kitchen in general, Zoe is removed from the chair under the diagnosis “Baby’s Full of Food” or BFF for short.

The extraction process reveals that the baby is indeed unable to be removed. Approximately 95% of the foodstuff (according to the boxes, primarily rice, whole grain wheat flour and bran) has been mixed with saliva in the same general proportions as concrete.

The baby is stuck to the seat with all the O’s she shoved underneath her in an amazing disappearing act.

• The seat is oated and coated
• The baby’s chin is adhered to the top of her onsie
• The Bib is cemented in half and also to her belly
• Her dolly and teething toys now have an odd new texture that will not come off in the laundry or the dishwasher
• Her diaper (HTH- How’d That Happen?) has O’s stuck IN it
• Zoe-style hair goop holds better than Breck, Dipity Doo and VO5 combined
  
• Her orifices are clogged, ears, nose – unfortunately not her now agitated and screeching little mouth though
• My hands, which not unlike the feeling one gets when stepping in something unsavory in stocking feet, are now adhered to the baby

My elbow stuck to the chair’s eating surface, merely in the want of leverage to get the 25 pound sack of baby out of the chair has me feeling like Uncle Remus’ Brer Rabbit in the tar baby.

I guess my next invention will have to be a non-stick finger food.

Honestly, NASA, Home Depot or P&G should look into patenting this stuff, because if they don’t I will be forced to start a children’s sweatshop focused on using this material to build adobe style housing for the poor.