Do Elephants Cut Their Nails?

Posted by Dad….

Zoe’s first trip to the circus is still remembered. Interestingly enough, mostly by the things she did not see.

Lions! Bears! Tigers! Oh my!

So how do elephants cut their nails? I friend posited with a toe truck? ouch!

Lego my Head-o

Posted by Dad…

O.k., we’re back and back onto toys.

Let’s talk about Duplos, Legos, Blox and Stax, and other Seussonian Clix and Clax, (alright, it’s early, so no more rhyming meter games for this Mr. Lorax).

Lets talk about linking toys that promote Frankenstonian development in the most benign way (So they say!).

Zoe’s first birthday went very well, (the whole Pinata thing notwithstanding) and she made out like a bandit in the toy and clothing arenas.

Most notable and fun for mom was this activity table with giant Lego-like pieces. “Here baby, this is a block. Pop a head on it and now it is a cat. Rip the head off and pop another head on and it is now a train engineer!”

Well, Zoe likes to chew on the cat head, but what message are we sending the youth of today when we encourage them into anthropomorphizing lifeless blocks into vital cogs of our workforce (train engineers) and then randomly replace their heads with those of simple household pets?

What really happens when little Casey finally gets that dream job as a head engineer at Amtrak? How will society react when he has a flashback to his days as a one year old and starts pretending to be a puppy?

Do we excuse his reckless behavior and the millions of dollars in damage he causes by running his real-life train into another head-on in a Ritalin-less induced-Autistic-like flashback? OR, do we condemn his alcoholic, post-traumatic stress-like reaction, toss him in jail and sue his neglectful arse back to preskool?

Well, poor Casey, I don’t think that the play-induced cognitive developmental channel you followed as a child was pursued by enough children-who-really-did-grow-up-to-be-train-engineers to file a class action lawsuit, but there is a glimmer of hope that you could sue China and some toy companies for all the lead-laced plastic you sucked on as a child! If that doesn’t work, maybe you can go after big Pharma for the inoculations and maintenance drugs you have been on since birth…

Lesson learned? Toys+play=behaviors. Behaviors+(Need to blame)=lawsuits. Lawsuits+(consumer watchdog groups)=(change to toy manufacturing)

There you go – one entire economic engine foodchain built by playing with Legos. Hey, we didn’t even get into the whole body-image issue created when chubby babies learn that snapping a head onto a small building block makes the toy look much more svelte than when the head is on a large block! well, we’ll save that and the inevitable trans gender issues for another post.

Anyone interested in a slightly used Lego Pinata?

Immaculate baby conception

Posted by Dad…

Ok, the blog about Zoe’s surreal toys and videos is now officially more about her eating than play habits. We’ll correct that later, but this one had to be put out into the world

Experiment #1 – One suction cup bowl from IKEA, half a container of yogurt, remains of some animal crackers, two spoons and Zoe

Result: Zoe refused to reliquish control of both spoons, dipping the handles into the yogurt and then licking the spoon part that has no food on it.

Experiment #2 – Dad just clear cut his way through a bunch of sugary weekend leftovers, so insert some protein, hard boiled egg style

Process – peel eggs, eat half, give some to the sticky monster in the high chair

Result: Zoe eventually relinquished her spoon, preferring to dip the egg into the strawberry yogurt. On hearing of the process report, mother instantly gagged at the thought of yogurt covered eggs. Good thing dad didn’t mention the impulse to dip the eggs in the chocolate sauce left over from last night. The jewish part of the family remembers some distant Christian ritual involving eggs, chocolate, bunnies, etc., but it is too early in the AM for total recall of the egg chocolate process….

Update: next post we will review Zoe’s recipe for Yogurt covered egg trail mix.

Reminder: never leave a baby unattended with a suction cup bowl. Suction cups don’t stick too well to animal cracker crumbs.

Zoe’s fave five toys

Posted by Dad…

Well after a year or two of watching the fave five commercials during daddy’s basketball games, Zoe has assembled her favorite five toys list:

1. Pie Chan and Gnon from Vulli Toys. Her fave toys to chew on – plus she recently gained the dexterityto make the squeakers work! Since Sophie the Giraffe is AWOL, these mushrooms have gained in popularity
2. Mrs. Pink Teddy Bear from the famous Ty Beanie Baby collection. Mrs. Bear greets Zoe every morning and doesnt mind being chewed on one bit!
3. Pop up books are so much fun! With chewable plasti-paper and semi easily detachable elements in fun cut-out shapes, these are the most entertaining, fulfilling and filling toys around! Nothing shuts Zoe up like a mouthful of good book!
4. Tags (on toys) also, noting fills a babies tummy up and quiets those teething pains like tags on toys. Much more fun and tasty than the toys themselves, Baby Einstein is (psychotic handicapable video puppets aside) famous for adding warning tag after warning tag to alert us parents to the ingredients and potential hazards of each and every component. the Baby Einstein Activity Mat is rife with chewilicious tags on each and every detachable piece!
5. Food. Not just for eating, food can be used as paste, glue, paint, stacking toys, projectile weapons and many more entertaining things! Plus, after filling up on toys and books, who wants asparagus or broccoli anyway?

Baby Veggie Trail Mix

Posted by Dad…

O.k., so on Ubbe J’s suggestion, I looked under the vinyl cushion on Zoe’s highchair. Big Mistake.

Zoe, ever the resourceful sort has been squirreling away her favorite foods for a rainy day, or a hike, or a camping trip of some sort.

Guess what I found? Can I package and sell it? Would babies eat it (dumb question)? Would the FDA or other regulatory bodies allow my entrepreneurial efforts at free trade or eCommerce?

Anyone wanting to design a label or order some, please email Zoe!

Does the three second rule count for highchairs?

Posted by Dad…

Sorry for the “vacation” in posting, but Zoe’s teething, crawling, standing and other growth related activites came in fast and furious!

What is out of bounds for baby food? Tucked under the bib? Slid down the side into the plastic of the chair? Clinging to the edge of the table?

Let’s look into this and see if we can set some parameters:

• On the tray from the last meal?
  • Dry food? No problem!
  • Wet food? Still wet? Sure!
• In the bib, clothing or chair? well since this technically is not the ground…
  • Dry food? No problem!
  • Wet food that was dry? Nope!
• On the floor?
  • Clean wood, tile, pergo or ceramic? No problem!
  • Un-vacuumed rug? preferably not, though this tends to be the most sought after prize.
  • Wet food dried on carpet? If you can get it off, sure, why not? Survival of the fittest I say!
• In the cat/dog bowl?
  • Eeech, preferably not, especially if baby wants to stick fingers in Daddy’s mouth…

  So does the 3 second rule count with babies? I say no way – with my bleary eyes and reflexes, I’m lucky if I notice the food on the floor from last week!

Special notes I: organic, free range vegetables “age” rather nicely.

Special notes II: never try to hide liquid iron supplements in bananas, it just doesn’t work.

Special notes III: baby dropped something on the restaurant floor? Just leave it. Trust me. If it sticks, especially. Just. Leave. It.

Good Girl?!?

Posted by Dad…

Well Tracey and I swore we would not be the type of parents that uses TV to help occupy our daughter. Well that didn’t last too long, hopefully not to her detriment growing up in this plugged in society

So Tracey, based on Zoe’s progress decided to try her out on actual TV, you know, the kind we grew up on with the PBS logo and the telethons, etc. instead of the direct programming we have been piping into her from the Baby Einstein videos…

She flipped from Judge Whomever-it-is-this-week to our old public station and what happened to be on?

Wont’cha tell me how to get (Because we always want our children asking strangers directions) to Sesame Street?
So the first scene was an in depth conversation between a furry creature with Marty Feldman eyes and a slightly less furry, less Feldman eye’d creature talking about scythes or some whatnot in front of a brick wall.

Zoe took one look and immediately let us know her dissatisfaction with this particular type of programming. Give that girl some brightly colored sport or her Baby Einsteins!

Good Girl! No reason for us to have to explain Bert and Ernie, or Big Bird’s hallucenogenic friend Snuffalop-a-whatever-it-is-a-gus.

Good Girl? Hooked on one video already at the tender age of 9 months?

Eeesh, the psychotic break can’t come soon enough to drown the DVDs out with pleasant beeps and buzzes inside my head…

What baby stuff were YOU thinking about?

Posted by Admin Dad…

So, after a week or so of playing around with Zoe’s blog, I checked on our stats. Decent enough for a new blog, but what really surprised me were the search terms used to find out little page of commentary – Favorites in color

Search Terms for 7 days ending 2008-01-15

• sophie the rubber giraffe rubber baby to
• cold sorces with babies
• to cold to go outside with infant
• chan pie gnon
• baby nine month cavity
• baby stuff not made in china
• wide set eyes babies
• spotted infant teeth
• demonic influence in music
• music value
• spoke teething toy
• unless baby products
• giraffe teething vulli
• blue chan pie gnon teething toy
• sesame street stuff
• giraffe chew toy baby
• infant salivating
  

Now thought that categorizing some of the blogs as vaguely erotic, psychotic break and oddly handicapable would bring some hits, but Nooooooo, it’s the baby nine month cavities (womb?), Spoke teething toy (throwing star? sputnik chandelier?) and music value (demonic or not – you decide?) that are pulling in the viewers.

Go figure…

More from Zoe later in the week!

From the Ubbe (Short for Bubbe)

On Jan 6, 2008, at 3:49 PM, Ubbe wrote:

The child is thinking, and receiving vibrational thought from you on the day that he enters your environment. That is the reason that beliefs are transmitted so easily from parent to child, from parent to child, from parent to child. The child is vibrationally receiving your fears, your beliefs, even without your spoken word… If you want to do that which is of greatest value for your child, give thought only to that which you want, and your child will receive only those wanted thoughts.

Amen!

But doesn’t our new HomeMedics Quad Roller Shiatsu LED Heated massage chair affect the transmission of the vibrations?

P.S. Please feel free to grab our new badge –

P.P.S. Click on RSS to the right for automatic updates on our blog!

Oati-oati-os anagram for quickset cement?

Posted by dad…

Meet our daughter, Zoe. She is the main focus of this blog and a source for never ending observation and insight into the human condition. She also answers to the name: “Little-Baby-Zoe-Ketze-Mushy-Baby-Marshmallow- Chewy-Ooey-Gooey-Pineapple-Coconut-Up-Side-Down- Roly-Poly-Squirmy-Wormy-Chunkybuster-Butterball -Zoe-oat-Spaghetti-oat-Wheatie-Feety-Girl-Head”.

Our soon to be nine-month old girl is an eating machine. More accurately, she is a salivating machine capable of coating any surface completely with a slick layer of cold wetness in a matter of seconds while forcing objects many times her size into her oral cavity in the search for comestibles.

As she has begun her self-taught masticating lessons, (replete with pincer practice) we started propping her up in her highchair with a handful or two of handy baby-starter foods.

The first attempts were met with frustration and an occasional case of Infantosis (inflammation of the emotions of an infant):

1. maneuvering the pieces near the oral cavity only to have them stick to various body parts, rarely of which are internal
2. picking up the offending finger friendly pieces up and depositing over the side of the chair, occasionally inadvertently bopping a cat on the fly or on the bounce
3. the arm sweep, clearing the flat surface with one or two broad strokes
4. finally, the subject of this writing, the magician act…

The magician act starts innocently enough – Zoe stuffed into the chair with a handful of O’s to keep her occupied. Brief observation of the subject notes O’s moving in a mouthward motion and quickly disappearing, followed by some rudimentary baby clicking/chewing-like noises.

Occasional observation reveals agitated, hungry baby wanting more. Additional O’s are added and the process repeats.

The medical diagnosis of “Acute Hunger Activation” or AHA for short brings a dosage of cereal, carrots or some other substantial edible.

Once the substantial edible is rejected, often all over the baby, the father and the kitchen in general, Zoe is removed from the chair under the diagnosis “Baby’s Full of Food” or BFF for short.

The extraction process reveals that the baby is indeed unable to be removed. Approximately 95% of the foodstuff (according to the boxes, primarily rice, whole grain wheat flour and bran) has been mixed with saliva in the same general proportions as concrete.

The baby is stuck to the seat with all the O’s she shoved underneath her in an amazing disappearing act.

• The seat is oated and coated
• The baby’s chin is adhered to the top of her onsie
• The Bib is cemented in half and also to her belly
• Her dolly and teething toys now have an odd new texture that will not come off in the laundry or the dishwasher
• Her diaper (HTH- How’d That Happen?) has O’s stuck IN it
• Zoe-style hair goop holds better than Breck, Dipity Doo and VO5 combined
  
• Her orifices are clogged, ears, nose – unfortunately not her now agitated and screeching little mouth though
• My hands, which not unlike the feeling one gets when stepping in something unsavory in stocking feet, are now adhered to the baby

My elbow stuck to the chair’s eating surface, merely in the want of leverage to get the 25 pound sack of baby out of the chair has me feeling like Uncle Remus’ Brer Rabbit in the tar baby.

I guess my next invention will have to be a non-stick finger food.

Honestly, NASA, Home Depot or P&G should look into patenting this stuff, because if they don’t I will be forced to start a children’s sweatshop focused on using this material to build adobe style housing for the poor.