How many is that in rabbit years? Ask Max and Ruby

Posted by dad…

Max & Ruby, poor latchkey children rabbits, live in a home filled with antiques. Obviously abandoned by their parents, possibly due to their behavior (or the need for their parents to procreate like, well rabbits in order to create  more genteel set of children).

Only an occasional visit from Grandma acts as their only adult supervision. Poor little young Ruby has the unfortunate responsibility of raising her baby brother, Max.

Max, the monstrous demon child who loves dirt cakes, worms, destruction and shoving filth into his overall pockets must be quite the handful for innocent, young Ruby. They have no visible means of support, other than the occasional coin from selling lemonade and rare cash from grandma. In fact, they run a tab with the grocery and rarely have enough money to take the bus into town for shopping sprees. No bunny food stamps? No rabbit Social Security? Oh well, they will have to wait for the United States of Rabbits’ stimulus plan like the rest of us.

To entertain themselves, Ruby throws birthday parties practically every show. How often do bunnies have birthdays?

In this land ruled by children, and obviously modeled after the Lord of the Flies, the creators have strived to show the softer side of children practicing self rearing techniques.

Needless to say, this shamockery of children raising techniques aimed at creating anarchist behaviors in children, is a favorite along the lines of the gritty inner city children reality show, Sesame Street.

Beware the dangers of letting TV raise your children! I’m just waiting for one of those Elmo dolls to go Chucky
on someone.

Lego my Head-o

Posted by Dad…

O.k., we’re back and back onto toys.

Let’s talk about Duplos, Legos, Blox and Stax, and other Seussonian Clix and Clax, (alright, it’s early, so no more rhyming meter games for this Mr. Lorax).

Lets talk about linking toys that promote Frankenstonian development in the most benign way (So they say!).

Zoe’s first birthday went very well, (the whole Pinata thing notwithstanding) and she made out like a bandit in the toy and clothing arenas.

Most notable and fun for mom was this activity table with giant Lego-like pieces. “Here baby, this is a block. Pop a head on it and now it is a cat. Rip the head off and pop another head on and it is now a train engineer!”

Well, Zoe likes to chew on the cat head, but what message are we sending the youth of today when we encourage them into anthropomorphizing lifeless blocks into vital cogs of our workforce (train engineers) and then randomly replace their heads with those of simple household pets?

What really happens when little Casey finally gets that dream job as a head engineer at Amtrak? How will society react when he has a flashback to his days as a one year old and starts pretending to be a puppy?

Do we excuse his reckless behavior and the millions of dollars in damage he causes by running his real-life train into another head-on in a Ritalin-less induced-Autistic-like flashback? OR, do we condemn his alcoholic, post-traumatic stress-like reaction, toss him in jail and sue his neglectful arse back to preskool?

Well, poor Casey, I don’t think that the play-induced cognitive developmental channel you followed as a child was pursued by enough children-who-really-did-grow-up-to-be-train-engineers to file a class action lawsuit, but there is a glimmer of hope that you could sue China and some toy companies for all the lead-laced plastic you sucked on as a child! If that doesn’t work, maybe you can go after big Pharma for the inoculations and maintenance drugs you have been on since birth…

Lesson learned? Toys+play=behaviors. Behaviors+(Need to blame)=lawsuits. Lawsuits+(consumer watchdog groups)=(change to toy manufacturing)

There you go – one entire economic engine foodchain built by playing with Legos. Hey, we didn’t even get into the whole body-image issue created when chubby babies learn that snapping a head onto a small building block makes the toy look much more svelte than when the head is on a large block! well, we’ll save that and the inevitable trans gender issues for another post.

Anyone interested in a slightly used Lego Pinata?

Immaculate baby conception

Posted by Dad…

Ok, the blog about Zoe’s surreal toys and videos is now officially more about her eating than play habits. We’ll correct that later, but this one had to be put out into the world

Experiment #1 – One suction cup bowl from IKEA, half a container of yogurt, remains of some animal crackers, two spoons and Zoe

Result: Zoe refused to reliquish control of both spoons, dipping the handles into the yogurt and then licking the spoon part that has no food on it.

Experiment #2 – Dad just clear cut his way through a bunch of sugary weekend leftovers, so insert some protein, hard boiled egg style

Process – peel eggs, eat half, give some to the sticky monster in the high chair

Result: Zoe eventually relinquished her spoon, preferring to dip the egg into the strawberry yogurt. On hearing of the process report, mother instantly gagged at the thought of yogurt covered eggs. Good thing dad didn’t mention the impulse to dip the eggs in the chocolate sauce left over from last night. The jewish part of the family remembers some distant Christian ritual involving eggs, chocolate, bunnies, etc., but it is too early in the AM for total recall of the egg chocolate process….

Update: next post we will review Zoe’s recipe for Yogurt covered egg trail mix.

Reminder: never leave a baby unattended with a suction cup bowl. Suction cups don’t stick too well to animal cracker crumbs.

Baby Attica

Posted by Dad…

Why do we need Attica for babies? Gates, playpens, bouncers, walkers?

Two words. Cat. Food

No, make that three words. Wet. cat. Food.

I guess we have been giving Zoe too many veggies and not enough protein. As soon as she was mobile in a way that she could more or less control, it was into the cat bowls for a refreshing, meaty-scented snack.

If that wasn’t enough, yesterday she found an open can of cat food. Not content to just eat the contents, she scooped the remains of the cat meal out and proceeded to gnaw on the tin.

Billie Goat Girl and she don’t care!

Zoe’s fave five toys

Posted by Dad…

Well after a year or two of watching the fave five commercials during daddy’s basketball games, Zoe has assembled her favorite five toys list:

1. Pie Chan and Gnon from Vulli Toys. Her fave toys to chew on – plus she recently gained the dexterityto make the squeakers work! Since Sophie the Giraffe is AWOL, these mushrooms have gained in popularity
2. Mrs. Pink Teddy Bear from the famous Ty Beanie Baby collection. Mrs. Bear greets Zoe every morning and doesnt mind being chewed on one bit!
3. Pop up books are so much fun! With chewable plasti-paper and semi easily detachable elements in fun cut-out shapes, these are the most entertaining, fulfilling and filling toys around! Nothing shuts Zoe up like a mouthful of good book!
4. Tags (on toys) also, noting fills a babies tummy up and quiets those teething pains like tags on toys. Much more fun and tasty than the toys themselves, Baby Einstein is (psychotic handicapable video puppets aside) famous for adding warning tag after warning tag to alert us parents to the ingredients and potential hazards of each and every component. the Baby Einstein Activity Mat is rife with chewilicious tags on each and every detachable piece!
5. Food. Not just for eating, food can be used as paste, glue, paint, stacking toys, projectile weapons and many more entertaining things! Plus, after filling up on toys and books, who wants asparagus or broccoli anyway?

Baby Veggie Trail Mix

Posted by Dad…

O.k., so on Ubbe J’s suggestion, I looked under the vinyl cushion on Zoe’s highchair. Big Mistake.

Zoe, ever the resourceful sort has been squirreling away her favorite foods for a rainy day, or a hike, or a camping trip of some sort.

Guess what I found? Can I package and sell it? Would babies eat it (dumb question)? Would the FDA or other regulatory bodies allow my entrepreneurial efforts at free trade or eCommerce?

Anyone wanting to design a label or order some, please email Zoe!

Does the three second rule count for highchairs?

Posted by Dad…

Sorry for the “vacation” in posting, but Zoe’s teething, crawling, standing and other growth related activites came in fast and furious!

What is out of bounds for baby food? Tucked under the bib? Slid down the side into the plastic of the chair? Clinging to the edge of the table?

Let’s look into this and see if we can set some parameters:

• On the tray from the last meal?
  • Dry food? No problem!
  • Wet food? Still wet? Sure!
• In the bib, clothing or chair? well since this technically is not the ground…
  • Dry food? No problem!
  • Wet food that was dry? Nope!
• On the floor?
  • Clean wood, tile, pergo or ceramic? No problem!
  • Un-vacuumed rug? preferably not, though this tends to be the most sought after prize.
  • Wet food dried on carpet? If you can get it off, sure, why not? Survival of the fittest I say!
• In the cat/dog bowl?
  • Eeech, preferably not, especially if baby wants to stick fingers in Daddy’s mouth…

  So does the 3 second rule count with babies? I say no way – with my bleary eyes and reflexes, I’m lucky if I notice the food on the floor from last week!

Special notes I: organic, free range vegetables “age” rather nicely.

Special notes II: never try to hide liquid iron supplements in bananas, it just doesn’t work.

Special notes III: baby dropped something on the restaurant floor? Just leave it. Trust me. If it sticks, especially. Just. Leave. It.

See and Say: It’s what’s for dinner…

Posted by Dad…

Gee, until this very moment, I never realized that the entire purpose of the See and Say is to encourage children to verbalize their desires for their mealtime protein.

Oddly enough, nowhere on the the See and Say menu are vegetables or soy products, imagine that. The whole series is based on mammals filled with chemicals and genetically modified for maximum profit when sold to the local Krogers.

Coming soon to your Pack and Play, the Vegan See and Say!

Zoe, can you say Textured Vegetable Protein? Zoe, can you say obesity induced myocaridal infarction?

Partially Masticated Panda Bear Heads

Posted by Dad…

Zoe Eating

Today we started out on a good note – everyone up at the same time and then downstairs for breakfast.

To occupy baby Zoe, during the coffee preparation and inevitable onslaught of sticky baby-feeding paraphernalia, we give her some finger foods as you may recall from a previous post.

As I was pouring some delicious trail mix of bland grain and oat based delectables onto her baby tray, I noticed that I myself was heartily and wholly contributing to her altered sense of reality. Yes, it was me who was encouraging bizarre social behavior as I was the one who had bought her the box of Teddy Heads.

Yes, here baby, please stuff yourself clumsily, practice your eating skills with a fist full of simulated decapitated smiling panda craniums! Yum! Don’t bother with the bodies, just pluck the largest of smiling mammal heads and maneuver them into your awaiting hungry mouth!

So much for Oati-o’s, next up peas, bananas and cheese. Do they make decapitated cheese heads for children as well? The torment simply cannot end here with chocolate bunnies, beating human hearts and poor defenseless marshmallow peeps…

Suddenly I was reminded of Dane Cook’s Kool Aid sketch – Oh Yeah! Drink from my open head filled with debris from your broken wall! Oh Yeah! OH YEAH!

Let the self-hypnosis sessions start – for me, not Zoe.

I need to squelch from my mind this horrid example of parenting of which I participated fully – at least until the peeps, chocolate cream filled eggs and chunks of half melted chocolate bunnies go on sale after Zoe’s first birthday (8, April). If I’m lucky, the dollar store might have some whitish spotted chocolate santas left over from 6 months ago…

Why do all my toys have daddy’s falsetto voice?

Posted by baby Zoe…

Something weird happened to me today – this morning I was playing with Mrs. Pink Teddy Bear while sitting on daddy’s lap and Mrs. Bear started moving her head around and saying, “Hello Zoe, How are you today?”

Teddy talking to me isn’t weird itself, every time I’m in daddy’s lap and playing with her, she speaks to me.

the odd thing happened later before breakfast – I was sitting with dad on the floor surrounded by all my new toys and all of a sudden, Sophie The Giraffe started asking me how my day was. You know what? All of a sudden I realized that Sophie, sounded just like Mrs. Bear!

Later on in the morning, Pie and Chan started asking me how my day was, and they too had the same voice! Do De Do Dooo … Do De Do Dooo …

So as I lay here in my crib pondering my morning, I ask myself why exactly it is that all my toys have the same voice ad ask me the same question? Well, other than the ones that flash and talk and play music to me ….

Wait, this only seems to happen when daddy is around too. More soon when I figure this out!