Prepubescent Hydrocephalia Unchecked

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What is it with childrens shows and bobble head characters? Pinky Dinky Doo thinks big, Dora the Explorer’s head travels unescorted all over the land, Ni Hao Kai Lan… is there some thalidomide equivalent in the cartoon world?

Heck, even Yosemite Sam had a perspective issue between his body and cranial proportions. Maybe there is a Darwinian survival-ism in effect. Hmmm. Prehistoric Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm too… we may be on to something.

Discuss…

Do Elephants Cut Their Nails?

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Zoe’s first trip to the circus is still remembered. Interestingly enough, mostly by the things she did not see.

Lions! Bears! Tigers! Oh my!

So how do elephants cut their nails? I friend posited with a toe truck? ouch!

What powers the flyboat?

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Ever wonder how the Wonder Pets get around? How can a few toys randomly assembled and powered by highlighter marker caps fly to Europe and back? For that matter, how can they save animals in twubble when they are 8 hours away minimum by jet? The Flyboat? Right…..

What lessons are we teaching our children besides how to tawk wike Ewmer Fudd? Mommy pointed out that the animals in trouble should all be dead – after all the time the Wonder Pets spend singing before heading off to save the day.

I think I figured it out how the flyboat works. Two words… Nuclear Power.

The way I figure it, the school was built on a superfund cleanup site – Fernald? Springfield?

It explains the singing animals.

It explains the constant craving for celery and it’s minor antioxidant properties that eliminate free radical radiation.

In fact, it explains everything non-logical everywhere. Even Bugs Bunny. Even the economy. And of course, The Simpsons.

Lesson? The powers of logic and physics do not apply in children’s programming. More so each passing day… unless the topic is resulting mutations in biomorphic species due to long term low level radiation exposure.

How many is that in rabbit years? Ask Max and Ruby

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Max & Ruby, poor latchkey children rabbits, live in a home filled with antiques. Obviously abandoned by their parents, possibly due to their behavior (or the need for their parents to procreate like, well rabbits in order to create  more genteel set of children).

Only an occasional visit from Grandma acts as their only adult supervision. Poor little young Ruby has the unfortunate responsibility of raising her baby brother, Max.

Max, the monstrous demon child who loves dirt cakes, worms, destruction and shoving filth into his overall pockets must be quite the handful for innocent, young Ruby. They have no visible means of support, other than the occasional coin from selling lemonade and rare cash from grandma. In fact, they run a tab with the grocery and rarely have enough money to take the bus into town for shopping sprees. No bunny food stamps? No rabbit Social Security? Oh well, they will have to wait for the United States of Rabbits’ stimulus plan like the rest of us.

To entertain themselves, Ruby throws birthday parties practically every show. How often do bunnies have birthdays?

In this land ruled by children, and obviously modeled after the Lord of the Flies, the creators have strived to show the softer side of children practicing self rearing techniques.

Needless to say, this shamockery of children raising techniques aimed at creating anarchist behaviors in children, is a favorite along the lines of the gritty inner city children reality show, Sesame Street.

Beware the dangers of letting TV raise your children! I’m just waiting for one of those Elmo dolls to go Chucky
on someone.

Map is a egotistical, condescending, passive-aggesive know-it-all

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As a reminder, we cover those surreal children’s toys, shows and foodstuffs that go beyond informing imagination and take on a drug fueled life of their own…

Poor hydrocephalic Dora, having to tote around with that giant head all day long… looking for mysteries with out any clues. So who does she have to depend on for help? Map.

Map will show her the way! Enter merchandising opportunity here: (Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage)

Enter merchandise plug here: Zoe loves to tote her Dora The Explorer Suitcase Luggage around, fill it with toys, or just dump it over and sit in it while watching – what else?

O.k., back to Map – Help Dora cries – who comes to her rescue? Map. How do we know it’s Map? He tells us. Over and over and over (that condescending SOB). Map even has his own video and music (Dora the Explorer – Map Adventures)

Passive-aggressive? Who wants to know? Just ask Map – “YOU tell Dora” (because I’m too good to speak directly to her)…

Condescending? You bet! Who else knows where to go? And… he tells us over and over and over! In song, no less! His directions, simplistic as they may be are repeated to us over and over ad nauseum… Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Gate, Water, Magic Castle! O.k. we get it! Shut up already!

Know it all? Who else provides graphics with their proclamations in this show? Gate, Water, Magic Castle! Wait, which one was the gate?

So we might get lost sometimes, but I think Map should meet Match and commit Hari Kari just for us adults’ enjoyment. Is that already on Youtube as a mashup? Maybe Swiper will relieve us of Map’s tedium by swiping him, tossing him into trees and allowing him to be ripped into shreds by monkeys or vultures looking to line their nests…

Enough vitriol you may say? Try watching a Dora marathon and see if you don’t agree…

Lego my Head-o

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O.k., we’re back and back onto toys.

Let’s talk about Duplos, Legos, Blox and Stax, and other Seussonian Clix and Clax, (alright, it’s early, so no more rhyming meter games for this Mr. Lorax).

Lets talk about linking toys that promote Frankenstonian development in the most benign way (So they say!).

Zoe’s first birthday went very well, (the whole Pinata thing notwithstanding) and she made out like a bandit in the toy and clothing arenas.

Most notable and fun for mom was this activity table with giant Lego-like pieces. “Here baby, this is a block. Pop a head on it and now it is a cat. Rip the head off and pop another head on and it is now a train engineer!”

Well, Zoe likes to chew on the cat head, but what message are we sending the youth of today when we encourage them into anthropomorphizing lifeless blocks into vital cogs of our workforce (train engineers) and then randomly replace their heads with those of simple household pets?

What really happens when little Casey finally gets that dream job as a head engineer at Amtrak? How will society react when he has a flashback to his days as a one year old and starts pretending to be a puppy?

Do we excuse his reckless behavior and the millions of dollars in damage he causes by running his real-life train into another head-on in a Ritalin-less induced-Autistic-like flashback? OR, do we condemn his alcoholic, post-traumatic stress-like reaction, toss him in jail and sue his neglectful arse back to preskool?

Well, poor Casey, I don’t think that the play-induced cognitive developmental channel you followed as a child was pursued by enough children-who-really-did-grow-up-to-be-train-engineers to file a class action lawsuit, but there is a glimmer of hope that you could sue China and some toy companies for all the lead-laced plastic you sucked on as a child! If that doesn’t work, maybe you can go after big Pharma for the inoculations and maintenance drugs you have been on since birth…

Lesson learned? Toys+play=behaviors. Behaviors+(Need to blame)=lawsuits. Lawsuits+(consumer watchdog groups)=(change to toy manufacturing)

There you go – one entire economic engine foodchain built by playing with Legos. Hey, we didn’t even get into the whole body-image issue created when chubby babies learn that snapping a head onto a small building block makes the toy look much more svelte than when the head is on a large block! well, we’ll save that and the inevitable trans gender issues for another post.

Anyone interested in a slightly used Lego Pinata?

Immaculate baby conception

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Ok, the blog about Zoe’s surreal toys and videos is now officially more about her eating than play habits. We’ll correct that later, but this one had to be put out into the world

Experiment #1 – One suction cup bowl from IKEA, half a container of yogurt, remains of some animal crackers, two spoons and Zoe

Result: Zoe refused to reliquish control of both spoons, dipping the handles into the yogurt and then licking the spoon part that has no food on it.

Experiment #2 – Dad just clear cut his way through a bunch of sugary weekend leftovers, so insert some protein, hard boiled egg style

Process – peel eggs, eat half, give some to the sticky monster in the high chair

Result: Zoe eventually relinquished her spoon, preferring to dip the egg into the strawberry yogurt. On hearing of the process report, mother instantly gagged at the thought of yogurt covered eggs. Good thing dad didn’t mention the impulse to dip the eggs in the chocolate sauce left over from last night. The jewish part of the family remembers some distant Christian ritual involving eggs, chocolate, bunnies, etc., but it is too early in the AM for total recall of the egg chocolate process….

Update: next post we will review Zoe’s recipe for Yogurt covered egg trail mix.

Reminder: never leave a baby unattended with a suction cup bowl. Suction cups don’t stick too well to animal cracker crumbs.

Baby Attica

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Why do we need Attica for babies? Gates, playpens, bouncers, walkers?

Two words. Cat. Food

No, make that three words. Wet. cat. Food.

I guess we have been giving Zoe too many veggies and not enough protein. As soon as she was mobile in a way that she could more or less control, it was into the cat bowls for a refreshing, meaty-scented snack.

If that wasn’t enough, yesterday she found an open can of cat food. Not content to just eat the contents, she scooped the remains of the cat meal out and proceeded to gnaw on the tin.

Billie Goat Girl and she don’t care!

Zoe’s fave five toys

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Well after a year or two of watching the fave five commercials during daddy’s basketball games, Zoe has assembled her favorite five toys list:

1. Pie Chan and Gnon from Vulli Toys. Her fave toys to chew on – plus she recently gained the dexterityto make the squeakers work! Since Sophie the Giraffe is AWOL, these mushrooms have gained in popularity
2. Mrs. Pink Teddy Bear from the famous Ty Beanie Baby collection. Mrs. Bear greets Zoe every morning and doesnt mind being chewed on one bit!
3. Pop up books are so much fun! With chewable plasti-paper and semi easily detachable elements in fun cut-out shapes, these are the most entertaining, fulfilling and filling toys around! Nothing shuts Zoe up like a mouthful of good book!
4. Tags (on toys) also, noting fills a babies tummy up and quiets those teething pains like tags on toys. Much more fun and tasty than the toys themselves, Baby Einstein is (psychotic handicapable video puppets aside) famous for adding warning tag after warning tag to alert us parents to the ingredients and potential hazards of each and every component. the Baby Einstein Activity Mat is rife with chewilicious tags on each and every detachable piece!
5. Food. Not just for eating, food can be used as paste, glue, paint, stacking toys, projectile weapons and many more entertaining things! Plus, after filling up on toys and books, who wants asparagus or broccoli anyway?

Baby Veggie Trail Mix

Posted by Dad…

O.k., so on Ubbe J’s suggestion, I looked under the vinyl cushion on Zoe’s highchair. Big Mistake.

Zoe, ever the resourceful sort has been squirreling away her favorite foods for a rainy day, or a hike, or a camping trip of some sort.

Guess what I found? Can I package and sell it? Would babies eat it (dumb question)? Would the FDA or other regulatory bodies allow my entrepreneurial efforts at free trade or eCommerce?

Anyone wanting to design a label or order some, please email Zoe!